By looking at the title you probably think this is a rant, because to be completely honest that’s what some of my posts really are. Luckily for you it’s not. People really are irritating, but news flash… so are you!
Unlike when I promise to update you on my skin care routines or the products in my hauls, I’m actually trying really hard to be consistent with this ‘New Year New Mindset’ series-type-thing I’ve got going on here; so I apologise for the random and unstructured uploads… self-improvement takes a lot of time.
Now time to get slightly personal…
I shut people out, it’s just something I’ve been doing for a long time and I never really viewed it as an issue. If I don’t like someone or a situation I simply remove myself. I noticed this behaviour concerning my emotions a while ago, I learnt that I couldn’t just ignore certain emotions because being ‘emotionally numb’ was a form of depression and eventually, everything would pile up and overwhelm me. Shutting out my emotions is something I would say I’ve overcome, there is always room for improvement but it’s not that big of a problem anymore (I hope). However shutting people out is something I only recently identified as an issue- by recently I mean the last two weeks so this will be far from an advice post, just an update.
Enough of the introduction now, here’s what I’ve learnt:
You can’t do anything alone! Even being alone requires the cooperation of others- they have to agree to stay away from you!
If you have a problem with someone, cutting them out of your life doesn’t deal with the problem, it might not get worse but it certainly won’t get better and as already established, constant improvement is key. You ultimately only have two options: confront the problem or try to understand the root of the problem.
You need to confront people to develop your people skills, unfortunately, you can’t put this on your CV…
For me personally, if I view a relationship as temporary, I often won’t confront the issues within the relationship because in the back of my mind it will soon be nothing but a memory. Wrong. In order to enjoy life’s journey we must enjoy the present day, this includes our experiences and relationships, so even if you know that soon enough it will be over, treat it the way you would treat something long lasting.
You need to confront people to have peace of mind
It’s all good and jolly to think you have no harsh or negative feelings towards someone, and may have even forgiven them for the way they acted towards you; but if you forgive someone for something that they do not even realise occurred, then please stop fooling yourself- you haven’t forgiven anyone of anything, all you have done is try to justify what is really selfish behaviour on your part.
You need to spend time with people to understand them
By cutting someone off, you have made conclusions about their behaviour and personality, but without giving yourself enough time to truly understand them how can this be so? You can learn a lot about people through the way they interact with others, but you learn so much more by looking at the way they interact with you. Don’t go all psycho-analysis on your friends guys… but observation is key. The more you learn about a person, the easier it may be to understand why they do some of the things that seem to be irritating you, this isn’t an excuse for their behaviour but…
You need other people around you to improve and vice versa
It’s not rocket science… or fluid mechanics for that matter: I won’t know what you don’t tell me! If I hate the colour orange and never tell you, you won’t understand why I frown upon the orange gifts you give me! If someone’s issue is a problem and you don’t tell them, cutting them out of your life may benefit you in the long term but it doesn’t do anything for them, and God wants you to be your brother’s keeper. Even if you aren’t religious, the world would be a much better place if we were all a lot nicer to each other.
But of course, if you don’t spend time with someone and understand them well enough, you won’t even know how to confront them about certain things… see where I’m going with this now?
Similarly, we can’t expect to learn from our own mistakes alone and be perfect, you need to learn from the mistakes of others too.
You also need other people around you as a measure of how much you have improved on certain things.
If like myself you are quite antisocial but over the years you have found that people don’t mind barging into your personal space every so often (I love you guys if you’re reading this) then clearly you’re doing something right because evidently, you are more welcoming.
This all clearly doesn’t apply to people you know very well, some relationships are toxic and should cease to exist, but don’t get scissor happy. My past experiences are probably the reason why it was so easy for me to get rid of people in my life without thinking twice about it, I thought I was avoiding further disappointment, and I’m sure I’m not alone. This is something I have learnt about myself, and the people that have spent the time to get to know me will understand this, making both parties much more reasonable and understanding of the behaviour of the relationship.
Also, don’t run away from confrontation. Yes, it can make or break a friendship depending on the scale of the problem, but some of the best friendships I have are successful because nothing is hidden.
You can’t expect your friends to be perfect, especially when you aren’t, understanding the root cause of someone’s behaviour often makes it easier to accept and ignore. We all have flaws, focus on the positives in people and try to love them anyway! Love your neighbour!!!
Not everyone needs to be your bestfriend, but try not to end a relationship before learning something about yourself first. If a friendship doesn’t work out you have to be willing to accept that you played a part in it too, and something you can definitely take the blame for- if you feel that you are not at any fault- is not trying to help and improve the other person.
If you’re still reading, well done to you, it was a pretty long one, but I hope you got something out of it! Welcome to the best month of the year!