Confrontation: Make a Strategic Choice

confrontation relationships friendships behind the schmile

One of the very first lessons I learnt when I began my self-development journey was that confrontation is necessary. With my blunt nature, putting my new found knowledge into practice wasn’t too difficult; the major challenge was dealing with the responses and understanding what necessary really meant.

What is Confrontation?

According to my trusty source Dictionary.com,  confrontation can be defined as:

  1. An open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc.
  2. A bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison.

I had grown to accept that if I had an issue with someone, it was better to discuss the problems rather than just ‘cut them off’ as I was famous for doing. It doesn’t take much to make me feel uneasy. Because of this, if I have had a negative experience or encounter with someone I will try to confront it immediately. I avoid seeking opinions and advice from other people with regards to personal matters, meaning that in most cases, I tackle the issue head-on, as soon as I have identified it.

confrontation tiffany pollard new york behind the schmile

My intention in 90% of cases is to come to some form of resolve, “bringing together ideas” that will leave both parties in a more favourable position. The other 10% of cases see me confronting situations for the selfish reasons- I want to rant and express my feelings more than I want to solve any problems. In fact, maybe this is more than 10%…

Dealing with Responses- It’s a Two Way Thing

It’s worth highlighting the fact that confrontation addresses conflict. A situation in which confrontation ends with schmiles and rainbows is dependent on how mature both parties are. It isn’t impossible, but it isn’t common either. This is the part I had somehow overlooked. When I confronted people, I tried to tackle the issue with a positive mindset, a calm spirit and an open mind- I knew what was bothering me and how to express this. The problem was that often, the other person wasn’t always as well prepared. Simply texting someone “we need to talk” isn’t enough. People don’t like to be caught off guard. What you intended to be an open discussion can very quickly turn into an argument ending with no resolution because people can quickly become defensive.

Confrontation tweet mr exposed behind the schmile

I also found that in some cases, people just weren’t ready. As I said before, I like to deal with problems as they come. Sometimes I’m just petty, but mostly I just don’t have time for childish games. You’ve got a problem with me and feel the need to indirect me through tweets? Please believe that I will like, retweet and then march through your DMs all within 30 seconds. If you don’t want to say it with your chest I’ll show you how. Most keyboard gangsters aren’t expecting this.

confrontation tiffany pollard new york behind the schmile

But all social media ‘fights’ aside because I’m not about that life… I’ve ended up arguing with people because I was in the right frame of mind to discuss an issue that they had chosen to ignore. Not everybody realises the need for confrontation- some people simply hope that things will just disappear on their own. This means that when you bring it up, their nonchalant response will leave you frustrated. It’s like trying to squeeze blood from a stone!

When is Confrontation Necessary?

This all taught me that confrontation is only necessary if you can be sure (or at least feel it is likely) that the other party is willing to have the discussion.

If you’re angry and you just want to air your feelings, there are many other ways to do this.

In the case that you feel the person deserves to know what impact they had on you and you feel they aren’t ready for the conversation, there are two ways to address this:

Firstly, you can do exactly that: tell them how you feel, but just for the sake of telling them. Prepare yourself for a situation where there is no apology, explanation or even a response. I made the mistake of confronting someone who wasn’t and will probably never be ready and for years I was ‘seeking closure’. That person didn’t need closure; they had buried the thought and moved on. They knew exactly how I felt and I knew nothing about how they were feeling. Spare yourself the hurt people; be mentally prepared for this possibility.

The other thing you can do is simple: wait. Depending on the depth of the problem, it might just be easier to wait for them to be ready. Maybe 5 minutes, 5 months or 5 years- it depends on the scenario. But be willing to accept the fact that you may wait forever and never have this discussion. By accepting this you have indirectly accepted that in this case, confrontation isn’t necessary and this is okay.

new york tiffany pollard behind the schmile confrontation

Be Selective

To me, very few issues require serious confrontation. I am of the opinion that confrontation is vital when the well-being of both parties is at stake. For example, if a long-term relationship is ending, confrontation could help to save it, or it could help to develop and prepare each person for their next relationship by teaching them important lessons. Whereas if I have only known the person for 5 minutes then I’d rather invest time in something with a larger impact on my life.

The most important lesson I want to share is that it is always crucial that you confront the issue itself first before the person. Is there a character flaw that you need to address? Hidden beneath the harsh words and offensive comments, is there an element of truth that has caused your hurt? Can you learn anything about yourself? Once you have answered these questions and done your part to make yourself a better person, then by all means, go ham!

Have the courage to confront people and do it from a place of love!

All the best,

Tisha x

#Schmile

All gifs courtesy of giphy.com

  95 comments for “Confrontation: Make a Strategic Choice

  1. November 19, 2017 at 3:16 pm

    Confrontation is good.. But most time people take it the wrong way…

    Then a hell let’s loose.. Then you’d be left to wonder if you did the wrong thing by confronting the person

    • TishaKimiira
      November 19, 2017 at 3:30 pm

      Thank you for reading!😊

  2. November 19, 2017 at 3:29 pm

    Confrontation is definitely good when it’s done in a healthy manner but most people don’t have healthy communication practices. They simply want to yell until their point is made, not taking into consideration the other person’s POV. It’s a two-way street.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 19, 2017 at 3:30 pm

      Agreed! Thanks for reading💙

  3. Anonymous
    November 19, 2017 at 4:40 pm

    I love this post! Confrontation is always misunderstood and is always seen as a negative thing.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 19, 2017 at 4:52 pm

      Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!

  4. November 19, 2017 at 5:11 pm

    We gotta start teaching people how to engage this, and EARLY. Because some of the interpersonal issues I’ve had with people I’m like WHOA, who tf taught you how to communicate?? LOL. Like I think about the consequences of my actions so I usually don’t get crazy with them, but most of the time I’m thinking that these people just want to get bust in the face. There’s no other explanation for how some people approach it. So I definitely agree with an earlier comment that the communication skills have to be there for it to be healthy. Idk where people are missing it butttt maybe we need to have some courses or something lol. And passive aggressive people are my ultimate pet peeve

    • TishaKimiira
      November 19, 2017 at 5:17 pm

      A lot of people grow old and STILL don’t know how to communicate and it saddens me. There is still so much more for me to learn. People don’t learn to communicate and are surrounded by other people that don’t know how to communicate. I have no idea how to fix this lmao. Thanks for reading as always!

      • November 19, 2017 at 8:14 pm

        Girl sometimes u gotta fix it by having ya hands ready 😂🙃

        • TishaKimiira
          November 19, 2017 at 8:43 pm

          Noted 😂😂😂

  5. November 20, 2017 at 4:05 pm

    Thanks for bringing light to this issue. I find that when it comes to expressing, the energy behind what is said and done is critical. When it comes from a place of love rather than combativeness, the relationship with me and the other gets closer. There is hope for communication as opposed to being right…and then, sometimes, yup – we’ve just got to pick our battles! <3

    • TishaKimiira
      November 20, 2017 at 5:33 pm

      So glad you get it and that you understood my point!!! Thank you so much for reading!💙

  6. November 20, 2017 at 7:14 pm

    There are times when confrontation is needed. You have to know when and how to confront folks when addressing certain issues. It really all depends on how the individual is. If you know your not going to get what is needed within a conversation, then it’s pointless. Not everyone knows how to take in information properly.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 20, 2017 at 7:16 pm

      Exactly! It takes understanding that person to have achieve a worthwhile confrontation. Thanks for reading! :)x

  7. November 20, 2017 at 9:42 pm

    I am always struggling with confrontation. I am more than willing to confront someone, but it often does not end up too well. I feel like most people just want to text/email these days, and that’s not human!

    • TishaKimiira
      November 20, 2017 at 10:01 pm

      People simply don’t want to face their issues! Thanks for reading 💙

  8. Kat
    November 20, 2017 at 11:45 pm

    Expressing when I have an issue with someone is something I’ve been trying to work on. Confrontation either professionally or personally is troubling to me because I don’t like to faults from either side.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 12:46 am

      I agree, this can be tough, but I think sometimes it better to have things out in the open and deal with the issues then to have ‘small’ problems cause a build up of negative feelings. Thanks for reading 💙

  9. November 21, 2017 at 12:35 am

    I try to avoid confrontation at all cost, It gives me anxiety to the fullest. There are times though especially when I became a parent that I just couldn’t let it go. I think I’ve got much better at dealing with it.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 12:47 am

      Glad you mentioned that you’re getting better! It’s not easy but definitely a skill I think we all need to learn! Thanks for reading 💙

  10. November 21, 2017 at 4:05 am

    Ok, I relate to this on a spiritual level haha. I am just like you, if I have a different opinion on something or just have something that’s bothering me I will say it right away. Not necessarily being combative, just speaking my mind and being upfront. It has definitely caught a lot of people off guard. My husband is the opposite. He’ll just let the thought fester in his mind for forever before he actually says something. We both had to adjust to each other. I had to adjust to the fact that he may not be ready to talk right away like I am and he had to understand that me confronting him wasn’t calling for him to get defensive right away. I think once people get to know me and realize all my confrontations are always from a place of love, they stop getting defensive and have more of an open spirit about it. (sorry for the uber long comment lol)

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 9:12 am

      Glad someone else is like me 😂😂😂😂I just like to get things over and done with ASAP! It’s great that you’ve learnt how to communicate with each other! It takes a while for people to recognise my intentions, which taught me alot about being adaptable! Thank you for your contribution- I’m so glad you could connect with the post!!!💙

  11. November 21, 2017 at 9:29 am

    Healthy confrontation is good. Agree sometimes you need to examine the need for ‘closure’ and whos benefit that is serving.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 1:05 pm

      Thank you for reading!💙

  12. November 21, 2017 at 12:42 pm

    I welcome confrontation but I have to remember to not be too intense. I can hold off on things for a while and go 0 to 60 in three seconds flat. I normally save confrontation for situations I can’t move past without closure.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 1:08 pm

      I agree, it’s important to be selective! Thanks for reading 💙

  13. November 21, 2017 at 1:57 pm

    It took me a while to be comfortable with confrontation. I️ used to fear being seen as a bitchy woman but now I️ speak my mind when necessary

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 2:54 pm

      You always find that stereotype with women, my advice is just to ignore it!😂Thanks for reading 💙

  14. November 21, 2017 at 3:53 pm

    I am not fully at this point yet. For me walking away is just easier. In the past confrontation has at times been the worse thing to do. As i get older i realize life is easier when you deal with things head on, no matter the outcome. I just have to get to the point where I am comfortable with that.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 4:45 pm

      It’s definitely not an overnight thing but all the best to you on your journey! Thanks for reading as always 💙

  15. November 21, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    Your points where soooo good (especially “Be Selective”), but these meme had me WEAK!!!

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 4:46 pm

      😂😂😂glad you enjoyed it!💙

  16. November 21, 2017 at 4:41 pm

    I am what has been referred to as a strong personality so I have to be careful with confrontation as it is intimidating for some.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 4:46 pm

      I’m the same, but learning to fond a balance! Thanks for reading 😊

  17. November 21, 2017 at 5:43 pm

    I hate confrontation. In fact I am dealing with a situation at my kids school and I feel confrontation may be the only way to handle it. 🙁

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 9:14 pm

      It’s unavoidable sometimes!!! Hoping for the best in your situation! Thanks for reading 💙

  18. November 21, 2017 at 6:54 pm

    Sometimes it is best to walk away and avoid all confrontations. These things often turns into a big brawl…

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 9:15 pm

      Definitely necessary to be strategic and pick your battles wisely! Thanks for reading 💙

  19. November 21, 2017 at 7:17 pm

    Hi, I agree that just because you are telling people your issues with them doesn’t mean they will respond the way you hope they will. I’ve found that if the only reason you are confronting someone is for an apology or even acknowledgement of wrong doing, you will be disappointed time and time again. You can only say where you’re at and listen to where they are at.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 9:19 pm

      Can definitely relate to this! You most often aren’t successful if the goal is apology rather than resolve. Thank you so much for contributing to the discussion!💙

  20. November 21, 2017 at 7:53 pm

    I loved the points that you shared because I am working on this as well. I’m the type to just walk away and to cut a person off but I also feel that nothing is resolved by doing this.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 9:20 pm

      Glad I’m not alone! All the best to you- It is easy!!!😂thanks for reading 💙

  21. November 21, 2017 at 8:00 pm

    Personally Confrontation sometimes can be good for couples, I mean there’s no perfect couple in the world. We always tend to compromise and meet in the middle to meet each others needs and opinion. The best thing that you can do (especially for women) normally men has this moment where they don’t wanted to be disturb when they are in this peek of level just leave them on their hole, and come back after a while. (I’ve watched an psychological explanation about Men and Women”)

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 9:22 pm

      These are some great points! Understanding the other person is definitely important when it comes to all forms of communication, confrontation included! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts 💙

  22. hleguilloux
    November 21, 2017 at 8:53 pm

    I always have issues with conflict or confrontation.. it makes me clam up! But I try to remember to take a breath and try to listen before responding. Great post!

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 9:22 pm

      Thank you so much, I hope it was helpful 💙

  23. Lo
    November 21, 2017 at 9:38 pm

    GReat way of thinking! Some people just like to come out and say whatever they are thinking before actually taking a step back for a moment.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 11:20 pm

      Thank you for reading! 🙂

  24. November 21, 2017 at 10:04 pm

    I’m so glad you brought this up! I for one absolute hate confrontation; I avoid it like the plague! Sometimes I’ll let things go to the detriment of me, which is not good! I just never knew when to address. Great article. Thank you, it really helps!

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 11:23 pm

      I’m so glad it’s helpful!!! I know a lot of people struggle with this, myself included. Thank you so much for reading and for your feedback! 🙂 x

  25. November 21, 2017 at 10:16 pm

    Oh my god confrontation tears me up! I cannot do this, but awesome article it really helps.

    The Little Big Spender | Inna
    http://www.thelittlebigspender.com

    • TishaKimiira
      November 21, 2017 at 11:23 pm

      Thank you!

  26. November 21, 2017 at 11:56 pm

    I love this post. Confrontation is a strange thing. It could either go right or left but if it goes right, you feel a lot better for getting things off your chest. I personally enjoyed reading this because I have yet to master the right way to confront someone to avoid the situation escalating. Thanks!

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 12:03 am

      Thank you so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it and I’m glad you’re enjoying the post!

  27. November 22, 2017 at 12:06 am

    There is good confrontation and bad confrontation. I try to stay out of the bad confrontation as much as I can and I like to be in a good where I can bring my ideas.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 12:16 am

      Very valid point- not all confrontation is good or necessary

  28. November 22, 2017 at 12:14 am

    This is such an interesting post to read, I personally don’t like confrontation. I am a very emotional person, so I avoid confronting people for wrong response. I actually changed when I got married, my hubby changed me a bit and I only confront people that I know do care about me for real.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 12:18 am

      This is the best type- confrontation with people that don’t have your best interests at heart often doesn’t lead to any kind of resolve. Thank you for reading, I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  29. November 22, 2017 at 12:51 am

    You’re right! Confrontation is necessary and I’m working on the ‘doing it with love’ part (lol). It’s hard sometimes, very hard because people are so set in their ways and oblivious to their faults.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 1:01 am

      VERY difficult but a skill definitely worth mastering! Appreciate you reading💙

  30. November 22, 2017 at 3:39 am

    Hey Tisha. This was such a great topic to read and I am definitely going to share it!

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 8:34 am

      Thank you!!!💙

  31. November 22, 2017 at 4:19 am

    “By all means go ham…” I love it! Confrontation is usually something I avoid because I seem to be a magnet for passive aggressive people who are quick to act like it is all in my head because they didn’t actually DO anything. I just let them people be.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 8:35 am

      In most cases I would avoid confrontation with those types of people too, it usually isn’t worth the stress! Thanks for reading 💙

  32. November 22, 2017 at 4:35 am

    Great points. I think I will confront a person when its right. The older I get, the more I am able to do that. I was not like that in my younger years.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 8:35 am

      Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading😊

  33. Julie Syl
    November 22, 2017 at 9:43 am

    This is a smart way to confront someone. Sometimes it is really nice to express yourself, but of course we know our limits.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 10:07 am

      Thank you for reading!💙

  34. November 22, 2017 at 11:57 am

    I have no problem with confrontation! I’ve just learning to do it effectively because “going ham” is effective but not always the right option

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 12:29 pm

      Agreed! Thanks for reading x

  35. thenafranssen
    November 22, 2017 at 1:08 pm

    Great post. I confront only when necessary, not out of need or want really.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 1:09 pm

      Thanks for reading!

  36. November 22, 2017 at 1:31 pm

    I am not the confrontational type, but I aint no punk. I believe in picking my battles sometimes it is best for me to just put some distance between us. If you aren’t important in my life than its smarter to just walk away.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 5:27 pm

      “Aint no punk” 😂but I agree, if you’re ‘insignificant’, confrontation isn’t required. Thanks for reading 💙

  37. November 22, 2017 at 1:38 pm

    Great points!! I love the reminder of accepting they may never give you an apology or explain their behavior. Definitely right on time for me!

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 5:27 pm

      So glad it was helpful!💙

  38. November 22, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    Loving all of the New York (Flavor Flav) references in this. The older I get I think confrontation is a form of a solution. Its to address an issue and to get clarity its not always a fight. There are mature ways to confront someone and if they reject it, you can always say you tried.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 5:29 pm

      Gotta love some New York!💙definitely not always a fight- but this depends on how willing both parties are to have the discussion. Thank you so much for reading 💙

  39. November 22, 2017 at 3:47 pm

    Your right to say pick your ‘battles’. Sometimes it’s just not worth to express your feelings to people who you know upfront can’t handle it

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 5:31 pm

      Can’t handle it and sometimes don’t even care! Thanks for reading 💙

  40. November 22, 2017 at 3:53 pm

    Excellent Blog post!! Just excellent! I made a choice, especially in this season, to be like Beyonce (when I can.). Beyonce says what she has to say and she is done with it. However, sometimes it is NECESSARY to engage and believe me, I do! Some days I have time! But I engage strategically. It is so funny I read this blog today because I just had an online issue. I maintained my dignity and grace when I could have gotten straight Cardi B up in here! LOL! Great blog! Keep writing!

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 5:31 pm

      Love this point- King Bey addresses what she wants to address, when she wants to address it and then moves on!!! Thank you so much! I’m glad it was helpful and timely! I really appreciate your feedback!💙 #StayClassy

  41. thatssodarling
    November 22, 2017 at 4:38 pm

    This is a great post! I love how you explain it all.

    XO-Lisa
    http://www.thatssodarling.com

  42. November 22, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    It is true that we have to take our own thoughts and feelings into consideration when it comes to confrontation, Sometimes I will just take a deep breath, and give that person the benefit of the doubt, that the poor foolish darling has no idea what they are saying, but others I have to clearly state my boundaries and make sure they stay in their place.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 22, 2017 at 7:25 pm

      😂😂😂😂every approach is certainly different! Thanks for reading 💙

  43. November 23, 2017 at 2:39 pm

    These are such great tips! I totally agree that there is definitely a right and wrong way to face confrontation.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 23, 2017 at 4:57 pm

      Thanks for reading 💙💙💙

  44. November 23, 2017 at 6:04 pm

    Choosing where to spend your energy is key for me. some confrontations simply are not worth it 🙂 So I totally agree with you on this one.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 23, 2017 at 6:18 pm

      Thank you!😊

  45. Elizabeth O
    November 24, 2017 at 9:50 am

    These are great tips. I totally agree with you when it comes to confrontation. and yes, if we had an issue with someone, it was better to discuss it properly the problems rather than just ‘cut them off’. We need to confront them nor to left them.

    • TishaKimiira
      November 24, 2017 at 11:27 am

      Thanks for reading! 🙂 x

  46. natnzin
    November 24, 2017 at 7:04 pm

    Many of the confrontations that we came across or have lived through were hurtful, destructive and caused permanent damage. From what we saw , we reckon their should be a amicable way to proceed with the confrontations. There are, I believe, two basic kinds of errors that we make when confronting: we add things that are not factual or we leave out important facts.!!!!

    • TishaKimiira
      November 24, 2017 at 8:08 pm

      Very valid points!!! Thank you so much for contributing to the discussion!

  47. December 1, 2017 at 2:50 am

    Great perspective and advice. Confrontation is something I don’t like, but I will deal with it to resolve the issue. I have learned two things about resolving conflict. It takes maturity and humility. Some people lack both making resolving conflicts difficult. Thank you for sharing.

    • TishaKimiira
      December 1, 2017 at 9:00 am

      So glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and sharing great points!💙

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